Communication

This is a several part missive on some issues about dating and communication in regards to the upcoming communication seminar to take place in our ward. I was asked for some thoughts, and as it turns out there are a few of them (who knew, right?) so I'm posting them here as well. So here they are:

Our too accepting nature

I had a branch president in the MTC who was from Japan. He was in his 60’s I believe and though his English wasn’t perfect, he always tried his best. His nephew was in the other district in my branch, and one day related a wonderful story about him that we could all learn from. He told me about one evening when his uncle was over for dinner with his family. Brother Watabe made a simple grammatical error, which this missionary’s mother corrected. This young man then chastised his mother because such a small and simple error wasn’t anything to worry about, because really, everyone knew what he meant. Brother Watabe then spoke up, telling everyone there that he wanted them to correct his English so that he could be a more effective communicator. He realized that he may never have perfect English, but he would always try his best and wanted everyone around him to help.

Not all of us have perfected out social skills, so we all have something to learn from others; but a big part of that is being humble and accepting when people around us try to help. One of my good friends in this ward constantly tries to improve his social skills by soliciting help from others, and it has shown by no small measure. If we can all learn to be comfortable helping others lovingly, and accepting help when it is given, then we may all become more effective people, much less more effective communicators.

Dating friends

I think there is some concern in our ward, and certainly other places as well, about dating friends. We run into a few issues there that might need to be addressed. First off, our ward isn’t huge and we have some very friendly people, which means that by and large you may end up with a pretty large circle of friends. Taking them out of your dating pool may severely limit your options, especially as you take into account that the people you are friends with are usually the ones you best get along with. It doesn’t make any sense to me to restrict yourself in such a manner.

The second point is I suppose more of a rebuttal to a concern I have heard about dating friends. Yes, sometimes things can get awkward if you date your friends. If things end badly it may be hard to go back to the friendship you once had, and it can complicate your social circle. I think if you look at it on a longer scale though, you’ll find that those consequences can be a little, well, inconsequential. Look at it this way, how many of us are as close with some of our friends that have married and left our ward than we used to be? I’m not saying we aren’t friends with them anymore, but it’s certainly different.

If I’m considering dating a friend, but worried about ending the friendship, my figuring is then this: in all likelihood, at least one of us is going to get married at some point, and after that the friendship will never be the same regardless. So seeing as the friendship will never stay the same regardless of what else you do, there isn’t a whole lot to lose by taking that chance. There are always risks, but losing a friendship seems to me to be a temporary one, and the potential reward seems to certainly outweigh that risk. Yes it may get awkward. Yes you may lose a friend. It could cause a situation in your whole social circle. But if you can both be adults about it, a date or two shouldn’t be a big deal; if there is more than that however, then the risk would already be worth the reward in my book, as there seems to at least be something there.

Putting it more simply, at some point the two of you will stop being friends one way or another. Why not take a chance and find out if that reason is because you married them?

Over-attachment

I have several female friends in our ward that have fallen victim to a somewhat scary trend. There are some individuals (mostly men) who seem to have trouble taking no for an answer. Some of this may have something to do with the girls not being straightforward about things (as mentioned in my post about straightforward communication) but I certainly don’t believe that is the heart of the issue.

A few of these guys are simply unwilling to accept anything less than a relationship from these women – something they are not willing to, or capable of, entering into with these individuals. So instead these women try to be friends with these guys, something they are willing to offer. But it’s never enough for them, and they seemingly constantly try to press the issue much to the frustration of these wonderful ladies. Some of the women involved have been in committed relationships, or even engaged, but their explanation of such appears to fall upon deaf ears. No means no. Taken is taken. Engaged is engaged. Enough is enough.

As I told one of my friends dealing with this issue, if a guy can’t respect your decision in this matter, then he doesn’t respect you. And if he doesn’t respect you, then he doesn’t deserve your friendship. If they have decided that friendship isn’t enough and refuse to let it go, let them go. If they don’t want to be your friend, why do you keep trying to be theirs?

Etiquette

One of the problems some guys run into when it comes to dating these days circles around proper etiquette. The world we live in now is very much different than the world 10, or even 20 years ago, much less 50. The rules used to be a lot more clear, and most everyone followed them. Now however, we run into some issues with what can be expected of us guys; especially since those expectations can seem to vary widely from person to person. Certain actions will likely always be expected, or at least welcome; but some seem to becoming slowly outdated or even unwelcome at times.

Take ordering for the lady at a restaurant. Personally I’ve never done it as it just seems strange to me, plus I’ve heard some horror stories from some women I know. Another example might be opening a car door for someone. Again this feels a little strange and perhaps extreme to me, but I do it anyway, or at least I did. One time on a date I was told by the lady I was with that it was unnecessary and made her feel a little strange, so I stopped. Then when I was on another date I assumed the same principle would apply, only to feel like a failure when I didn’t open that woman’s car door. It would seem I have fallen victim to a new double standard, where some would expect a certain level of etiquette and others another.

I think perhaps I’ve learned my lesson, do everything until told otherwise; but I think there is a lesson here for our women as well: be clear and upfront about your expectations or preferences of etiquette with men. It may be a bit unromantic to get into a car and let the guy know that you would appreciate it if he would open your car door the next time, but maybe then he will. If he refuses, then maybe he isn’t the guy for you. I think you both would be happier knowing what the other expects and is willing to provide.

Commonalities (shared interests)

I think perhaps some of us might need a bit of a reality check. Life is not a movie. Most of us will never experience a “fairy tale” romance. Many of us may have unrealistic expectations about what we are looking for in a partner.

Certain qualities should of course be non-negotiable. If you are looking for a temple marriage, you should find a partner doing the same. But I think sometimes we fall into a trap when we try to find someone compatible. I’ve found that a common tendency is to find someone just like you. Someone with the same taste in music, the same feelings about sports, you both watch the same TV shows, you like the same movies, etc, etc. It is certainly nice to have many things in common with your mate, I hardly think those things are tantamount to compatibility. While these are things that are great to have in friends, and nice to have in a spouse, I don’t think they are as necessary as some people believe. We focus too much on the superficial, and not enough on the eternal. TV shows, movies, and sports may matter very little in the eternities, but it seems like sometimes we forget that.

My parents have little in common. My dad likes science fiction and action movies. My mom loves romantic comedies. My dad plays computer games in his free time, and my mom scrapbooks. My dad listens to more modern music while my mom seems stuck in the 80’s. The list goes on and on, including some pretty big schisms about some serious issues like child-rearing. But you know what? They love each other and they make it work.

Another issue here may be that we get stuck in a rut. We keep dating the same type of person again and again to no avail. Maybe we’re too busy focusing on finding someone as athletic or trendy or successful as ourselves that we overlook what we have to gain from those around us who are different. It is not from times of comfort that we learn the most, but as we struggle to learn and grow in the face of adversity. Now I’m not advocating that we try to make marriage any harder than it already is; but without trials and struggles, how can we grow?

Honestly, does a marriage to someone just like you sound like much fun long-term? You can of course spend a great deal of time together since you have all the same interests, but doesn’t that sound a little monotonous? If you take to different people they can learn and grow together, taking their different interests and experiences and learning from each other such that they may both improve themselves. Think of all the things you’ve gained from being friends with people different than you. Without those experiences you might be a very different person today.

I don’t think it’s a matter of finding someone similar to us, but instead finding someone compatible with us.