Anticipation

They can be rare and sometimes elusive, but there are certainly some moments that can define one’s life. The choice to move here or there, a change of jobs or even careers, marriage, death, and even sometimes the monotonous can have an enormous impact on a life. Some of these events are far out of our control. There is often little we can do about someone near to us passing away, though we can choose how it affects us. When there is a choice involved we may often look to a friend or loved one for advice and counsel on what we should do. Some of us may seek help from something a little higher up. Other choices seem guided from the start.

I generally try to avoid classifying things as “inspired” or “guided” unless I’m dang sure what just happened (if I pray and get an answer that’s one thing, but if a series of seemingly coincidental events occur it’s always a little harder for me to label it), but there is one that I’m starting to feel more and more sure about. Many of you may be aware that I recently took a firefighter trainee exam. Plenty of you may even be aware of how that came about, but I’m going to share it again just in case you’re curious.

Trying to find something to do with my somewhat copious amount of free time, I noticed a post on FB by my uncle in Virginia who is a volunteer firefighter. Thinking to myself that firefighting could be something I could do (I’m still not sure why in the world I thought that), I looked online to find out about volunteering with TVFR. At the time, they had finished taking all their applications for the year so I was out of luck. At that point I promptly gave up and moved on. Moved on at least until a couple weeks later when I happened to have FHE at my house. A few of us made strudel and watched a movie, and eventually everyone went home leaving me by myself. The TV was on and though I had no intention of watching it (I just wanted some background noise), I changed it over to cable to find the news on. I NEVER watch the news. EVER. Even if it’s just going to be on for background noise. But there I was that night, cleaning up after FHE with the news on for some reason. Not 5 minutes later did the news come on to announce that Portland Fire and Rescue was going to be hiring and provided details on what to do. Without even realizing what had happened, I had applied. I don’t think there was really any conscious thought behind this one, it just was. Can you see why I’m not sure what to make of this? It could just be some random coincidence (though rare, they do exist) or some act of my subconscious. Maybe that morning I had heard about that story in my sleep. Maybe someone mentioned it to me and I had forgotten but it was enough to get me to turn on the news. I don’t know, but the more invested into this course I become the more I feel like it is where I need to be, job or no.

I’m still a little confused as to exactly how that confluence of events ended up happening, but at this point it’s done. The test is taken and now I await my results. If I get the job I will embark on a whole new career; one that may have an intense impact on who I am and who I become. If I don’t then I don’t. The only thing I know now is that this experience has changed me regardless of the outcome. It has opened up avenues of conversation with friends old and new. It has given me better insight into how those around me perceive who I am. I’ve realized that some of my barriers aren’t as ever-present as they have been. It has made me realize that I am ready for something new, even if this isn’t it.

But as I await the envelope that may contain a new and somewhat unexpected future for me, one of the largest revelations I’ve come across is that I am still me. I’m not panicking, freaking out, or even really excited about what may be in store. I’m anticipating an answer, but I’ll be fine with any result. That’s just who I am and I don’t see that changing anytime soon. If it happens I think I will be happy, and if it doesn’t I think I will be disappointed, but for now I’m the same old me, cold and unfeeling as I may seem. It’s all good all the time, at least as long as you believe it is.

Here comes the future, whithersoever it takes me.