Some people having read parts of this so far may call be a bit hypocritical for some of the things I say (i.e. saying that people who exhibit certain behaviors, such as putting people down to elevate themselves, lack self confidence whilst I seeming am doing that exact same thing by pointing those behaviors out), but I feel like what I am doing is a little bit different. Now maybe I’m just rationalizing, but at least hear me out (or don’t, see if I care. And bam, I’m all self confident-y again).
First off, there is a big difference between being frustrated with people and wanting to talk about it and disparaging them to elevate yourself. While I may be far from perfect, I certainly strive to do the former rather than the latter.
Secondly, I feel as if (and feel free to feel otherwise, they are your feelings after all) there is not a whole lot wrong with venting sometimes. All things considered, I think that is probably a big part of what I am doing here. While you may be able to figure out who I am talking about (especially if that person is you), for the most part I’m not naming names or anything. Sometimes holding in feelings of frustration or anger is the worst thing you can do, as it eats away at you until it spills over and affects everyone around you.
Last, I think having a disapproval of behaviors is certainly different than disapproval of people. While I may not like all of the things everyone does all the time, that’s life, and it doesn’t make me love them or care about them any less.
When I am frustrated by people and their behavior it doesn’t mean I don’t like them any less, I just don’t want to be around them as much, and honestly I don’t feel that bad about it. As I work on being more accepting of people, I may be able to be around them more, but until such a point where I can not be as frustrated around them I choose not to be so that I don’t get resentful and bitter. While it is not ideal, for me this seems to be the better option.
One thing I learned a long time ago was to not let other people’s expectation of my behavior get in the way of my happiness and what I feel is right. That being the case, I do often choose not to associate with certain people for one reason or another. Sometimes that can be the right call; how many times have the leaders of the church counseled us to choose with whom we associate very carefully? Some people can and will drag you down if you let them; and sometimes all it takes is for you to be around them enough.
And maybe, just maybe, someone will read this and have a chance to think about some of the things they do and why they do them. I know I’ve had a lot of self-reflective moments in writing this so far. It’s helped me, and if it helps them, then we all win.
Thursday, December 31, 2009
Interaction
Today we are going to discuss a few types of people. People that have trouble controlling themselves around quiet or sometimes even noise. They feel that if they aren’t talking to someone, or interacting with something around them then something is wrong.
Ever notice how some people can’t handle in silence? That if it’s too quiet, they just get uncomfortable? Like if the two of you are in the room and aren’t talking right this second, something must be wrong (and they tend to think it’s probably their fault). It just feels like conversation for conversation’s sake (read an earlier post to see how I feel about small talk). News flash, sometimes the mark of a good relationship is how well you can handle silence. It’s also a clear indicator of self-confidence. If you feel that just because we are in the same room we must talk, it shows a clear lack of self-worth (because you are basing your opinion of yourself on how others perceive you, and if no one talks to you, then you must be worthless).
In addition to a comfortable silence, I think how long you can go without talking or hanging out is a clear indicator of how strong the bond is. I only see one of my best friends that I’ve known for over a decade now about twice a month. For some people that wouldn’t be enough, but for us it works just fine. We can quickly catch up, or take hours to go over what’s been happening in our lives. We’re fine just hanging out at someone’s house or going out and doing some activity. We used to spend a lot more time together, but we live much further apart now, and have much busier lives. However, we both know that if we need each other we are there, and if not, we will be there too.
Back to the uncomfortable people, sometimes it’s not even enough for them that the TV is on or music is playing, so instead they choose to interact with whatever is going on around them for some strange reason. I was giving someone a ride home awhile ago, and this person wasn’t a great conversationalist (and I really didn’t care too much to try and drag a conversation out of them), so there was mostly just the music going on in the background. The CD we were listening to was one that a friend of mine had composed the music for, and certainly wasn’t very well known, so I am about as certain as I can be that my passenger had never heard it before, but that didn’t stop him from trying to whistle along to the music (which he did with almost no success of following the score). It was incredibly annoying and I wanted nothing more than to just get them out of my car at that point (also not helpful was the fact I never wanted them in my car in the first place…).
Some people take that even further though, and they just can’t let anything around them happen without their input. They have to sing along to the song that’s on, or comment about the movie or TV show that’s on. One evening I was at someone’s house and a movie was playing. It happened to be Star Trek, so there was bound to be a lot of “geek speak,” or basically over- analyzation of everything technical about the movie, so as to make the commentators feel as if they are smarter than the future portrayed in the movie (again showing a lack of self-confidence by having to make themselves seem better than something), but it sure didn’t stop there. I don’t know if there was more than a minute that went by without someone making some inane comment or another. Surprisingly enough, it wasn’t even me who asked that the subtitles be turned on so that people could at least read the movie, since they certainly couldn’t hear it over everyone else talking the entire time.
The whole thing is just something that frustrates me. It all seems like interaction just to have something to fill the space, and you know what? Sometimes silence is a blessing.
Ever notice how some people can’t handle in silence? That if it’s too quiet, they just get uncomfortable? Like if the two of you are in the room and aren’t talking right this second, something must be wrong (and they tend to think it’s probably their fault). It just feels like conversation for conversation’s sake (read an earlier post to see how I feel about small talk). News flash, sometimes the mark of a good relationship is how well you can handle silence. It’s also a clear indicator of self-confidence. If you feel that just because we are in the same room we must talk, it shows a clear lack of self-worth (because you are basing your opinion of yourself on how others perceive you, and if no one talks to you, then you must be worthless).
In addition to a comfortable silence, I think how long you can go without talking or hanging out is a clear indicator of how strong the bond is. I only see one of my best friends that I’ve known for over a decade now about twice a month. For some people that wouldn’t be enough, but for us it works just fine. We can quickly catch up, or take hours to go over what’s been happening in our lives. We’re fine just hanging out at someone’s house or going out and doing some activity. We used to spend a lot more time together, but we live much further apart now, and have much busier lives. However, we both know that if we need each other we are there, and if not, we will be there too.
Back to the uncomfortable people, sometimes it’s not even enough for them that the TV is on or music is playing, so instead they choose to interact with whatever is going on around them for some strange reason. I was giving someone a ride home awhile ago, and this person wasn’t a great conversationalist (and I really didn’t care too much to try and drag a conversation out of them), so there was mostly just the music going on in the background. The CD we were listening to was one that a friend of mine had composed the music for, and certainly wasn’t very well known, so I am about as certain as I can be that my passenger had never heard it before, but that didn’t stop him from trying to whistle along to the music (which he did with almost no success of following the score). It was incredibly annoying and I wanted nothing more than to just get them out of my car at that point (also not helpful was the fact I never wanted them in my car in the first place…).
Some people take that even further though, and they just can’t let anything around them happen without their input. They have to sing along to the song that’s on, or comment about the movie or TV show that’s on. One evening I was at someone’s house and a movie was playing. It happened to be Star Trek, so there was bound to be a lot of “geek speak,” or basically over- analyzation of everything technical about the movie, so as to make the commentators feel as if they are smarter than the future portrayed in the movie (again showing a lack of self-confidence by having to make themselves seem better than something), but it sure didn’t stop there. I don’t know if there was more than a minute that went by without someone making some inane comment or another. Surprisingly enough, it wasn’t even me who asked that the subtitles be turned on so that people could at least read the movie, since they certainly couldn’t hear it over everyone else talking the entire time.
The whole thing is just something that frustrates me. It all seems like interaction just to have something to fill the space, and you know what? Sometimes silence is a blessing.
Monday, December 28, 2009
Trick Communication
Though not quite as annoying as the trick date (or as amazing as the trick I left my journal in your car) there seems to be a trend among some people to try and trick you into asking questions. This is something along the line of fishing for compliments by deprecating yourself, these people really want to talk about themselves or their day, but in order to be more “polite,” they instead ask about you and yours, hoping the standard social contract will inevitably lead to reciprocal questions about them. Ugh.
Those of you who know me have either heard or could probably guess that I am not one for small talk. Society has taught us to be polite to others, and I suppose the church has taught us the same, so we ask inane questions about peoples day or whatever when we couldn’t care less about the answer. If you’ve been keeping up, you’ll know that I have long since given up on doing things others might expect of me, for it has never really brought me happiness thus far, and as such I just don’t care to play the politeness game with people I don’t care about. When you add that to the fact that there are many in our ward that seem generally incapable of interpreting social cues properly, being “nice” to someone can quickly go awry and be mistaken for romantical interest. So I’ve made a choice that I feel is pretty simple; I only ask questions I actually care about the answers to, and I don’t think it’s too much to ask for other to do the same.
That being said, I’m perfectly happy to converse with just about anyone (we’re talking a real conversation here, not just an exchange of pleasantries), just don’t weight the conversation down with mindless small talk. Had a great day? Just come out and tell me about it; don’t turn it into some game where you feel like you have to ask about my day and wait for me to ask about yours. Real life example: someone comes home after a day on the mountain, gear in tow. Clearly they want to talk about the awesome day they had in the snow. First words out of their mouth? “Hey, how was your day?” I could just about see the words jumping out of their mouth to tell me what a great time they had, but that’s not how it went. When stuff like that does end up happening, I usually just get resentful of the whole situation and at the point regardless of whether or not I actually care how your day was, you will almost certainly get a one word answer out of me, likely to be followed by quick exit. If you really feel a need to share a story, just get on with it already. And afterwards, if you really do care about my day, follow up your story with a question about mine. That way no one feels baited into asking about yours.
I guess some of this could be construed as a good news/bad news situation. I doubt you will ever find me asking Karl how his day went, because I would be hard pressed to care less; but if you find yourself to be one of the people I care enough about to ask how your day went, then consider yourself lucky, for on the whole they are few and far between.
Those of you who know me have either heard or could probably guess that I am not one for small talk. Society has taught us to be polite to others, and I suppose the church has taught us the same, so we ask inane questions about peoples day or whatever when we couldn’t care less about the answer. If you’ve been keeping up, you’ll know that I have long since given up on doing things others might expect of me, for it has never really brought me happiness thus far, and as such I just don’t care to play the politeness game with people I don’t care about. When you add that to the fact that there are many in our ward that seem generally incapable of interpreting social cues properly, being “nice” to someone can quickly go awry and be mistaken for romantical interest. So I’ve made a choice that I feel is pretty simple; I only ask questions I actually care about the answers to, and I don’t think it’s too much to ask for other to do the same.
That being said, I’m perfectly happy to converse with just about anyone (we’re talking a real conversation here, not just an exchange of pleasantries), just don’t weight the conversation down with mindless small talk. Had a great day? Just come out and tell me about it; don’t turn it into some game where you feel like you have to ask about my day and wait for me to ask about yours. Real life example: someone comes home after a day on the mountain, gear in tow. Clearly they want to talk about the awesome day they had in the snow. First words out of their mouth? “Hey, how was your day?” I could just about see the words jumping out of their mouth to tell me what a great time they had, but that’s not how it went. When stuff like that does end up happening, I usually just get resentful of the whole situation and at the point regardless of whether or not I actually care how your day was, you will almost certainly get a one word answer out of me, likely to be followed by quick exit. If you really feel a need to share a story, just get on with it already. And afterwards, if you really do care about my day, follow up your story with a question about mine. That way no one feels baited into asking about yours.
I guess some of this could be construed as a good news/bad news situation. I doubt you will ever find me asking Karl how his day went, because I would be hard pressed to care less; but if you find yourself to be one of the people I care enough about to ask how your day went, then consider yourself lucky, for on the whole they are few and far between.
Grammar Utilization
One of the things that has a tendency to bother me more and more these days is improper grammar and spelling. Now I’m human, and I make mistakes like every couple years or so, and that’s fine. A mistake is a mistake; I’m not worried about that. What I am talking about is the blatant disregard for what makes our language function properly.
I think one of the reasons I was able to learn Japanese so quickly (besides me just being amazing in general… and I guess the gift of tongues or something…) is because it makes so much sense. Sure there are a lot of rules, and it is very different when compared to English, but the language on the whole just makes logical sense. There are so few exceptions, everything has a place and an order, and everyone seemed to follow the rules. Rules are good; they help us to understand each other. Sure sometimes they are a pain, and sometimes you can skirt around them a bit, but for the most part, I think they should be followed
Let’s list just a few of the problems I see commonly around today:
Confusion over “you’re” and “your”
Improper/Misunderstood contractions i.e. “Could have” turns into “could’ve”, not “could of”
“teh.” Don’t even get me started on that one
Apostrophes. Oh boy, apostrophes.
I’m sure there are so many, many more that escape me at the moment.
The biggest issue I have is when people just don’t seem to care. These are the people who throw everything out the window when it comes to writing. People that are fully capable of proper grammar utilization that just don’t care to follow the rules. No capitalization. Hardly any (if any) punctuation. “teh” again. These people are slowly tourturing and/or killing the English language and everything that makes it great (you know, as great as it is… which may not be so great actually). Let’s liken this kind of writer to a drunk driver. They know what they should be doing, but they just don’t care, even if it hurts themselves or others. Sometimes this is so painful to read that I just don’t. If you couldn’t be bothered to communicate effectively, why should I be bothered to read it?
Sometimes slang or speech mannerisms just don’t fit into all the grammar rules, but that’s not that big of a deal (I have a tendency to write how I speak, and I don’t always speak with proper grammar, but at least I’m close).Let’s call that changing lanes without signaling when you have a big gap and traffic is light. It’s not a great idea necessarily, but you can get away with it. Since I do this one myself, we’ll let this one slide, for now.
A lot of times people just don’t know any better, and that’s ok I guess (but they should at least try). These people are like student drivers. They’re bad just because they can’t really help it. With a little help and some practice I’m sure they could do better, as long as they are willing to put in the effort. This is often painful to watch and you can’t help but cringe sometimes, but we were all there at one point or another, so we can forgive so long as you try better next time.
Every now and again someone will poke fun of me for almost always using proper grammar and in general refusing to abbreviate, even over chat or text. Now while these mediums may be some of the few acceptable places to throw some of the rules out the window, I just don’t like to. I would always prefer to take those extra few seconds to make sure that I am understood, even if doing so results in a second text message, or a longer gap in my chats.
Effective communication. I’m all about it.
I think one of the reasons I was able to learn Japanese so quickly (besides me just being amazing in general… and I guess the gift of tongues or something…) is because it makes so much sense. Sure there are a lot of rules, and it is very different when compared to English, but the language on the whole just makes logical sense. There are so few exceptions, everything has a place and an order, and everyone seemed to follow the rules. Rules are good; they help us to understand each other. Sure sometimes they are a pain, and sometimes you can skirt around them a bit, but for the most part, I think they should be followed
Let’s list just a few of the problems I see commonly around today:
Confusion over “you’re” and “your”
Improper/Misunderstood contractions i.e. “Could have” turns into “could’ve”, not “could of”
“teh.” Don’t even get me started on that one
Apostrophes. Oh boy, apostrophes.
I’m sure there are so many, many more that escape me at the moment.
The biggest issue I have is when people just don’t seem to care. These are the people who throw everything out the window when it comes to writing. People that are fully capable of proper grammar utilization that just don’t care to follow the rules. No capitalization. Hardly any (if any) punctuation. “teh” again. These people are slowly tourturing and/or killing the English language and everything that makes it great (you know, as great as it is… which may not be so great actually). Let’s liken this kind of writer to a drunk driver. They know what they should be doing, but they just don’t care, even if it hurts themselves or others. Sometimes this is so painful to read that I just don’t. If you couldn’t be bothered to communicate effectively, why should I be bothered to read it?
Sometimes slang or speech mannerisms just don’t fit into all the grammar rules, but that’s not that big of a deal (I have a tendency to write how I speak, and I don’t always speak with proper grammar, but at least I’m close).Let’s call that changing lanes without signaling when you have a big gap and traffic is light. It’s not a great idea necessarily, but you can get away with it. Since I do this one myself, we’ll let this one slide, for now.
A lot of times people just don’t know any better, and that’s ok I guess (but they should at least try). These people are like student drivers. They’re bad just because they can’t really help it. With a little help and some practice I’m sure they could do better, as long as they are willing to put in the effort. This is often painful to watch and you can’t help but cringe sometimes, but we were all there at one point or another, so we can forgive so long as you try better next time.
Every now and again someone will poke fun of me for almost always using proper grammar and in general refusing to abbreviate, even over chat or text. Now while these mediums may be some of the few acceptable places to throw some of the rules out the window, I just don’t like to. I would always prefer to take those extra few seconds to make sure that I am understood, even if doing so results in a second text message, or a longer gap in my chats.
Effective communication. I’m all about it.
Sunday, December 27, 2009
Violation
Anyone here ever felt violated? I bet you have to one degree or another. It's not exactly the best of feelings. Maybe you got felt up on the subway. It’s possible some guy decided to play with your hair for way too long. Maybe a 60 year old woman described you as a "hot tamale." Perhaps someone thought they should have used a scope. Maybe you've just got a creepy uncle that gives you strange looks and makes you want to stay away. I can think of many worse situations as well, but let’s go ahead and not list them here.
In any case, I bet you tried pretty hard to not be around those people that made you feel violated. In some cases (like being felt up on a train in Japan) it's pretty easy to not run into them again. In others (maybe they go to church or school with you or maybe it's your creepy uncle) it may be a bit more difficult. Being around those people just made you feel all kinds of uncomfortable. You could get anxious, have the cold sweats, not be able to focus, get dizzy, or all kind of other reactions when you were around those people. However difficult it may have been to stay away, I'm sure you did what you could to avoid those people, and in return avoid feeling those feelings.
Now imagine for a second that almost everyone around you gives you those feelings. And not just sometimes, all the time. That every new person you meet gives you shivers down your spine because somewhere in your brain you've been programmed not to trust anyone to be around you, ever. That even the act of shaking some one's hand can make you feel like you are falling backwards with no control. That being in the middle of a group of people dancing makes you want nothing more than to curl up into a ball and weep (also an option? trying to punch Greg right in the face for trying the help). That a friendly tap on the back might be enough to set you off and cause you to hit that person square in the jaw, friend or no, because you feel that you have to protect yourself from everybody, all the time.
Not exactly fun imagine-y times is it? Well welcome to my life.
Word has spread enough at this point that I'm sure most people have heard that I have some issues when it comes to being around people. People like to call my "issue" by many different names. Some refer to it as my "personal space bubble," or my "no-touching policy." A few have tried to clissify it with names like PTSD, or aphnephobia. I'm not really sure if any of them fit or not, but call it what you will, it is what it is.
When I was ten, a friend and I were playing outside with some other children in the neighborhood. One of those kids then fell off his bike. Wesley went inside crying, and then his dad came out. He started berating Chris while walking up to him. We didn’t know what was going on at the time, but apparently Wesley told his dad that Chris had pushed him off his bike. Wesley’s dad then came up to Chris and beat him. When I tried to intervene, I was thrown back and fell on the ground. I had never felt so helpless in my life, nor have I since. There was nothing I could do to protect my friend or myself from this man, and he was brutally attacking my friend. Chris had to be taken to the hospital, and he got better, but I never really did. From that moment on, I have had trouble feeling safe, anywhere.
Being in small spaces with people (like cars or clubs), being in crowds, and especially touching people made me feel helpless all over again. The feeling of being hit and falling backwards would wash over me. For a long time, this turned me into a very angry kid. I would lash out at anyone who got close to me, sometimes violently. Eventually I learned to slowly process and deal with things and started to form new relationships. But at the time I thought the only way for me to be happy was to pretend my problems away. To ignore the issue and pretend that I was ok with people touching me. For the longest time, that seemed like the only answer. After all, what kind of weirdy has issues touching people?
But that never made it easier, and only served to put off the process of dealing with the problems I was having. In High School as everyone started dating, I was put in quite the predicament. As much as I wanted to date like the other guys, I knew that it would involve getting close to people. The other problem was that sometimes a girl would seem interested in dating me. I know, it hardly seems like a problem to most people, but for me it was. Whenever someone would start to show interest, I would drive them away. Since emotional closeness seemed to inevitably lead to physical closeness, I would distance myself with biting remarks, rudeness, and jerk-itude. It was at that point that I decided to start putting myself first and stop putting myself in situations that made me uncomfortable. So I didn’t date. I’m not sure what the plan was at that point, but I stopped going to dances, and playing sports, and all kinds of other things. For the first time in a while, I felt somewhat happy about things. But at the same time, I knew I wouldn’t be happy until I had figured this whole thing out, and at least to some degree gotten over it. Even on my mission, I still had trouble shaking people’s hands. Even that little contact was enough to give me the hibbily-gibblies, if not worse.
The turning point I think came around January this year. Somehow and for some reason, I decided I could deal with things and asked someone out. We went out a few times and ended up looking at the Portland skyline together. At that moment, there was almost nothing more that I wanted in this world than to put my arm around her, but I couldn’t bring myself to do it. No matter how hard I tried, I just wasn’t able to. Instead, for some reason, I told her that I had contact issues. I told someone for the first time ever. I hadn’t talked about this with my family or my best friend or anyone ever before. I had thought that no one would accept me. Amazingly enough to me, she didn’t laugh at or mock me, but instead we started to talk about it.
That was it. The point where everything started to actually get better. I realized what a weight I had been carrying around all by myself, and now some part of it was lifted. I realized that it was ok to tell people and that instead of hurting me, it would help me. Not once in life have I been real but I had never felt this close before.
Bit by bit, I started to let myself feel comfortable around people, some more than others. Family and friends that I’ve known for a long time are almost no problem anymore. Some people I think will always be a problem.
A couple months ago, a couple people (young ladies) I was with were talking about someone that they felt lacked self-confidence, and that someone just needed to pin him down and make out with him. Now I know (or at least sincerely hope) that it was said in jest, but it has stuck with me this past while, and has certainly been something I have had more than a little trouble shaking. See for me, it wouldn’t be a lack of self-confidence; it would be a whole other story.
I didn’t know their friend’s story, and maybe they did, but I do know mine, and if someone were to do that to me, to pin me down and make out with me, it would destroy me. I can think of few things that could do more damage to me as a person. It would totally and utterly erase any progress I’ve been striving for and making for most of my life. I can think of little else that would make me feel more violated at this point in my life (and those things would make pretty much anyone feel incredibly violated). If someone at this point, even someone I liked or cared about, were to pin me down and make out with me, as much as I know I’m not, it would bring back all those feelings of helplessness. The feeling of violation would be almost immeasurable.
So there you have it. A story with a few side bits of information about a part of what makes me, me.
In any case, I bet you tried pretty hard to not be around those people that made you feel violated. In some cases (like being felt up on a train in Japan) it's pretty easy to not run into them again. In others (maybe they go to church or school with you or maybe it's your creepy uncle) it may be a bit more difficult. Being around those people just made you feel all kinds of uncomfortable. You could get anxious, have the cold sweats, not be able to focus, get dizzy, or all kind of other reactions when you were around those people. However difficult it may have been to stay away, I'm sure you did what you could to avoid those people, and in return avoid feeling those feelings.
Now imagine for a second that almost everyone around you gives you those feelings. And not just sometimes, all the time. That every new person you meet gives you shivers down your spine because somewhere in your brain you've been programmed not to trust anyone to be around you, ever. That even the act of shaking some one's hand can make you feel like you are falling backwards with no control. That being in the middle of a group of people dancing makes you want nothing more than to curl up into a ball and weep (also an option? trying to punch Greg right in the face for trying the help). That a friendly tap on the back might be enough to set you off and cause you to hit that person square in the jaw, friend or no, because you feel that you have to protect yourself from everybody, all the time.
Not exactly fun imagine-y times is it? Well welcome to my life.
Word has spread enough at this point that I'm sure most people have heard that I have some issues when it comes to being around people. People like to call my "issue" by many different names. Some refer to it as my "personal space bubble," or my "no-touching policy." A few have tried to clissify it with names like PTSD, or aphnephobia. I'm not really sure if any of them fit or not, but call it what you will, it is what it is.
When I was ten, a friend and I were playing outside with some other children in the neighborhood. One of those kids then fell off his bike. Wesley went inside crying, and then his dad came out. He started berating Chris while walking up to him. We didn’t know what was going on at the time, but apparently Wesley told his dad that Chris had pushed him off his bike. Wesley’s dad then came up to Chris and beat him. When I tried to intervene, I was thrown back and fell on the ground. I had never felt so helpless in my life, nor have I since. There was nothing I could do to protect my friend or myself from this man, and he was brutally attacking my friend. Chris had to be taken to the hospital, and he got better, but I never really did. From that moment on, I have had trouble feeling safe, anywhere.
Being in small spaces with people (like cars or clubs), being in crowds, and especially touching people made me feel helpless all over again. The feeling of being hit and falling backwards would wash over me. For a long time, this turned me into a very angry kid. I would lash out at anyone who got close to me, sometimes violently. Eventually I learned to slowly process and deal with things and started to form new relationships. But at the time I thought the only way for me to be happy was to pretend my problems away. To ignore the issue and pretend that I was ok with people touching me. For the longest time, that seemed like the only answer. After all, what kind of weirdy has issues touching people?
But that never made it easier, and only served to put off the process of dealing with the problems I was having. In High School as everyone started dating, I was put in quite the predicament. As much as I wanted to date like the other guys, I knew that it would involve getting close to people. The other problem was that sometimes a girl would seem interested in dating me. I know, it hardly seems like a problem to most people, but for me it was. Whenever someone would start to show interest, I would drive them away. Since emotional closeness seemed to inevitably lead to physical closeness, I would distance myself with biting remarks, rudeness, and jerk-itude. It was at that point that I decided to start putting myself first and stop putting myself in situations that made me uncomfortable. So I didn’t date. I’m not sure what the plan was at that point, but I stopped going to dances, and playing sports, and all kinds of other things. For the first time in a while, I felt somewhat happy about things. But at the same time, I knew I wouldn’t be happy until I had figured this whole thing out, and at least to some degree gotten over it. Even on my mission, I still had trouble shaking people’s hands. Even that little contact was enough to give me the hibbily-gibblies, if not worse.
The turning point I think came around January this year. Somehow and for some reason, I decided I could deal with things and asked someone out. We went out a few times and ended up looking at the Portland skyline together. At that moment, there was almost nothing more that I wanted in this world than to put my arm around her, but I couldn’t bring myself to do it. No matter how hard I tried, I just wasn’t able to. Instead, for some reason, I told her that I had contact issues. I told someone for the first time ever. I hadn’t talked about this with my family or my best friend or anyone ever before. I had thought that no one would accept me. Amazingly enough to me, she didn’t laugh at or mock me, but instead we started to talk about it.
That was it. The point where everything started to actually get better. I realized what a weight I had been carrying around all by myself, and now some part of it was lifted. I realized that it was ok to tell people and that instead of hurting me, it would help me. Not once in life have I been real but I had never felt this close before.
Bit by bit, I started to let myself feel comfortable around people, some more than others. Family and friends that I’ve known for a long time are almost no problem anymore. Some people I think will always be a problem.
A couple months ago, a couple people (young ladies) I was with were talking about someone that they felt lacked self-confidence, and that someone just needed to pin him down and make out with him. Now I know (or at least sincerely hope) that it was said in jest, but it has stuck with me this past while, and has certainly been something I have had more than a little trouble shaking. See for me, it wouldn’t be a lack of self-confidence; it would be a whole other story.
I didn’t know their friend’s story, and maybe they did, but I do know mine, and if someone were to do that to me, to pin me down and make out with me, it would destroy me. I can think of few things that could do more damage to me as a person. It would totally and utterly erase any progress I’ve been striving for and making for most of my life. I can think of little else that would make me feel more violated at this point in my life (and those things would make pretty much anyone feel incredibly violated). If someone at this point, even someone I liked or cared about, were to pin me down and make out with me, as much as I know I’m not, it would bring back all those feelings of helplessness. The feeling of violation would be almost immeasurable.
So there you have it. A story with a few side bits of information about a part of what makes me, me.
Pies?
It's a blog. There may or may not be cake, and regardless of how much cake there is, there definitely should be more.
As a quick opener, I have no idea what is going to go on here aside from me perhaps putting down some thoughts. A few things may be journal entires modified for blog consumption, and a few might be letters which may or may not have been sent. Some may be profound, others may be inane, but they all probably might be mine.
Plenty in here might offend, especially if you find that I've written about you. Don't get me wrong, I won't mean to offend (probably), but I tend to be a very blunt individual, and if you asked sincerely, I would have no problem telling you what your problem is. I will try to change/omit names to protect those that annoy me/are deserving of my eternal scorn, but no promises that people won't be able to figure it out. Guess you should have thought about that one before you decided to exist in my general direction eh?
At this point I think I have quite a few rants saved up, and may or may not proceed with them in total to no particular order.
Good luck finding some sanity in all this. I know I've needed it.
As a quick opener, I have no idea what is going to go on here aside from me perhaps putting down some thoughts. A few things may be journal entires modified for blog consumption, and a few might be letters which may or may not have been sent. Some may be profound, others may be inane, but they all probably might be mine.
Plenty in here might offend, especially if you find that I've written about you. Don't get me wrong, I won't mean to offend (probably), but I tend to be a very blunt individual, and if you asked sincerely, I would have no problem telling you what your problem is. I will try to change/omit names to protect those that annoy me/are deserving of my eternal scorn, but no promises that people won't be able to figure it out. Guess you should have thought about that one before you decided to exist in my general direction eh?
At this point I think I have quite a few rants saved up, and may or may not proceed with them in total to no particular order.
Good luck finding some sanity in all this. I know I've needed it.
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