Straightforward Communication

So before I talked about trick communication, focused mostly on baiting questions and the like. This time I would like to talk about being more honest, straightforward, and even blunt in what we say.

A prime example here (and really the one I most want to get off my chest) involves dating. I’m sure I will speak much more on this subject over time, but for now I will focus on being straightforward and clear when communicating in regards to dating.

In the past few months there have been a few opportunities for the singles in my church to inter-mingle with different groups of said singles than they are used to. There was speed dating, a mixed group dinner and dance, and I think a couple more in the recent past. At one of these activities, a friend of mine was asked on a date. She didn’t really care to go with him, but figured hey, it was just a first date. They tentatively planned something for a few days later and continued with the activity. As the evening progressed, the guy my friend was with suggested that they leave and go see a movie then. My friend, thinking that she could get that date over with now instead of later, agreed. After the movie was all said and done, and my friend was being dropped off, the guy then asks if they are still on for a few days later, and my friend, having trouble turning people down, kind of agrees as the guy says that he’ll call her.

While there are certainly at least a couple of things wrong with this picture in my mind (I don’t know if leaving an activity to go on a date is a great idea, and I certainly have mixed feelings about asking people out on a date whilst still on a date), I feel that more problems could have been avoided if my friend had been clear at that point and just said no thanks to the second date.

Many, many people (mostly girls) will try and tell me how rude that would be, but I don’t find the truth to be very rude, especially compared to the alternative. I think the general thought is that they want to let the guy down easy, so they tell him they are “busy,” leaving the guy to wonder what just happened. Is she busy? Does she not want to go out? Should I ask for another time? The list of questions tends to drag on (Yes, guys are just as prone to over-analyze every little thing as girls are). If you are interested, but busy, try suggesting another time for the activity, or simply tell him to check back with you in couple weeks when you might be more free. If you aren’t interested, instead simply be clear and give a short but as kind as you can be “no thanks” then at least the guy will receive a clear message and you both know where things stand. That isn’t to say he isn’t disappointed, of course he is! He wanted to go on a date with you, and you didn’t want to go on one with him; that seems a fine reason to be disappointed to me. However disappointing the message is though, I don’t think it is the way it is presented that would be the problem, and in the end I think he would thank you (assuming of course he can get over himself and maybe you) for at least being upfront about it.

The story gets worse when this guy called to try and set something up, and once again my friend was the ever elusive “busy.” She even went so far as to say that she would love to join him for the proposed activity, but couldn’t because she had another commitment (she actually did have a commitment, but she also definitely didn’t want to go out with him). To me this is pretty much flat out lying, and is certainly more rude than just telling him no. Plus, you are raising these poor guys’ hopes, only to drag the whole process out until he finally gives up in exasperation. It’s not “nicer,” it’s you trying to remove yourself from a hard situation and taking the easier (and much more frustrating for the other party) way out. Lastly, in what I assume to be a misguided move of desperation this guy called my friend and left a pretty rude message something along the lines of “whenever you feel like not being busy and asking me out, give me a call.” Not exactly a smooth move there, but I almost don’t blame him, as he was presented with some pretty dang mixed signals (and sometimes girls wonder why we don’t get them).

Someone did a study once on which was worse, waiting for pain or just getting it over with. Most people chose to have a larger amount of pain inflicted immediately rather than a smaller amount of pain after waiting a few seconds. Rip the bandage off, don’t play around with it. Be brave and bold.

Of course I’m not going to play it off like girls are the only one at fault here, as I’m sure guys have much to work on as far as being straightforward with girls. But if we can both just work on it a little bit, I think we’ll all be better off in the end. As far as I am concerned I would always prefer a straight answer than a dodged question, and ladies, if you think about it, wouldn’t you like the same?