The world is viewed through many eyes
As are those that are in it
We each wear the glasses of our own experience
Our own thoughts and feelings changing what we see
Some see the world as it might be
Some see the world as it they would have it
Some see the world through fears and worries
Some see it though hopes and dreams
Often times we are our own worst critic
Seeing only the cracks, the chinks in our armour
Looking upon our failures as if they were all that mattered
Peering into the mirror and only looking down
But what it we could see the world through the eyes of those around us?
Visions of who we are to others
The impact we share on those around us
The impression we leave on those we’ve become a part of
Through the eyes of those that love us
What would we think then?
Would we be more willing to look in that mirror and see the good?
More able to glimpse the positive and ignore the negative?
To see the good and not the bad?
What then if we could see through the eyes of those on high?
To feel even a portion of the love they have for us?
To be able to forget our own transgressions as they do
To glimpse into our potential in the eternities
What we could become
What might be
Could we see our weaknesses in a new light?
Could we find the strength to rely on others that we may all benefit?
Could we find new strength and power in ourselves?
Visions of what could be flood my mind
Garnishing my dreams with amazing possibilities
I have felt that love, even in part
For me, for others
For those I care about and those I don’t
But most of all for you
Thursday, April 8, 2010
In my arms
A smile on your face causes its mirror image in my heart
A touch, an embrace, as we come closer
Comfort like I’ve never felt before
So simple, so pure
My mind stills
Everything else leaves my thoughts
Quiet there like never before
It’s just a moment
One that I would have last an eternity
I can be there with you and nowhere else
No thoughts of tomorrow or what might be
No worries for the future or thoughts of the past
It’s just a moment
Why can’t it be more?
A touch, an embrace, as we come closer
Comfort like I’ve never felt before
So simple, so pure
My mind stills
Everything else leaves my thoughts
Quiet there like never before
It’s just a moment
One that I would have last an eternity
I can be there with you and nowhere else
No thoughts of tomorrow or what might be
No worries for the future or thoughts of the past
It’s just a moment
Why can’t it be more?
Tuesday, March 2, 2010
Anticipation
They can be rare and sometimes elusive, but there are certainly some moments that can define one’s life. The choice to move here or there, a change of jobs or even careers, marriage, death, and even sometimes the monotonous can have an enormous impact on a life. Some of these events are far out of our control. There is often little we can do about someone near to us passing away, though we can choose how it affects us. When there is a choice involved we may often look to a friend or loved one for advice and counsel on what we should do. Some of us may seek help from something a little higher up. Other choices seem guided from the start.
I generally try to avoid classifying things as “inspired” or “guided” unless I’m dang sure what just happened (if I pray and get an answer that’s one thing, but if a series of seemingly coincidental events occur it’s always a little harder for me to label it), but there is one that I’m starting to feel more and more sure about. Many of you may be aware that I recently took a firefighter trainee exam. Plenty of you may even be aware of how that came about, but I’m going to share it again just in case you’re curious.
Trying to find something to do with my somewhat copious amount of free time, I noticed a post on FB by my uncle in Virginia who is a volunteer firefighter. Thinking to myself that firefighting could be something I could do (I’m still not sure why in the world I thought that), I looked online to find out about volunteering with TVFR. At the time, they had finished taking all their applications for the year so I was out of luck. At that point I promptly gave up and moved on. Moved on at least until a couple weeks later when I happened to have FHE at my house. A few of us made strudel and watched a movie, and eventually everyone went home leaving me by myself. The TV was on and though I had no intention of watching it (I just wanted some background noise), I changed it over to cable to find the news on. I NEVER watch the news. EVER. Even if it’s just going to be on for background noise. But there I was that night, cleaning up after FHE with the news on for some reason. Not 5 minutes later did the news come on to announce that Portland Fire and Rescue was going to be hiring and provided details on what to do. Without even realizing what had happened, I had applied. I don’t think there was really any conscious thought behind this one, it just was. Can you see why I’m not sure what to make of this? It could just be some random coincidence (though rare, they do exist) or some act of my subconscious. Maybe that morning I had heard about that story in my sleep. Maybe someone mentioned it to me and I had forgotten but it was enough to get me to turn on the news. I don’t know, but the more invested into this course I become the more I feel like it is where I need to be, job or no.
I’m still a little confused as to exactly how that confluence of events ended up happening, but at this point it’s done. The test is taken and now I await my results. If I get the job I will embark on a whole new career; one that may have an intense impact on who I am and who I become. If I don’t then I don’t. The only thing I know now is that this experience has changed me regardless of the outcome. It has opened up avenues of conversation with friends old and new. It has given me better insight into how those around me perceive who I am. I’ve realized that some of my barriers aren’t as ever-present as they have been. It has made me realize that I am ready for something new, even if this isn’t it.
But as I await the envelope that may contain a new and somewhat unexpected future for me, one of the largest revelations I’ve come across is that I am still me. I’m not panicking, freaking out, or even really excited about what may be in store. I’m anticipating an answer, but I’ll be fine with any result. That’s just who I am and I don’t see that changing anytime soon. If it happens I think I will be happy, and if it doesn’t I think I will be disappointed, but for now I’m the same old me, cold and unfeeling as I may seem. It’s all good all the time, at least as long as you believe it is.
Here comes the future, whithersoever it takes me.
I generally try to avoid classifying things as “inspired” or “guided” unless I’m dang sure what just happened (if I pray and get an answer that’s one thing, but if a series of seemingly coincidental events occur it’s always a little harder for me to label it), but there is one that I’m starting to feel more and more sure about. Many of you may be aware that I recently took a firefighter trainee exam. Plenty of you may even be aware of how that came about, but I’m going to share it again just in case you’re curious.
Trying to find something to do with my somewhat copious amount of free time, I noticed a post on FB by my uncle in Virginia who is a volunteer firefighter. Thinking to myself that firefighting could be something I could do (I’m still not sure why in the world I thought that), I looked online to find out about volunteering with TVFR. At the time, they had finished taking all their applications for the year so I was out of luck. At that point I promptly gave up and moved on. Moved on at least until a couple weeks later when I happened to have FHE at my house. A few of us made strudel and watched a movie, and eventually everyone went home leaving me by myself. The TV was on and though I had no intention of watching it (I just wanted some background noise), I changed it over to cable to find the news on. I NEVER watch the news. EVER. Even if it’s just going to be on for background noise. But there I was that night, cleaning up after FHE with the news on for some reason. Not 5 minutes later did the news come on to announce that Portland Fire and Rescue was going to be hiring and provided details on what to do. Without even realizing what had happened, I had applied. I don’t think there was really any conscious thought behind this one, it just was. Can you see why I’m not sure what to make of this? It could just be some random coincidence (though rare, they do exist) or some act of my subconscious. Maybe that morning I had heard about that story in my sleep. Maybe someone mentioned it to me and I had forgotten but it was enough to get me to turn on the news. I don’t know, but the more invested into this course I become the more I feel like it is where I need to be, job or no.
I’m still a little confused as to exactly how that confluence of events ended up happening, but at this point it’s done. The test is taken and now I await my results. If I get the job I will embark on a whole new career; one that may have an intense impact on who I am and who I become. If I don’t then I don’t. The only thing I know now is that this experience has changed me regardless of the outcome. It has opened up avenues of conversation with friends old and new. It has given me better insight into how those around me perceive who I am. I’ve realized that some of my barriers aren’t as ever-present as they have been. It has made me realize that I am ready for something new, even if this isn’t it.
But as I await the envelope that may contain a new and somewhat unexpected future for me, one of the largest revelations I’ve come across is that I am still me. I’m not panicking, freaking out, or even really excited about what may be in store. I’m anticipating an answer, but I’ll be fine with any result. That’s just who I am and I don’t see that changing anytime soon. If it happens I think I will be happy, and if it doesn’t I think I will be disappointed, but for now I’m the same old me, cold and unfeeling as I may seem. It’s all good all the time, at least as long as you believe it is.
Here comes the future, whithersoever it takes me.
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
Communication
This is a several part missive on some issues about dating and communication in regards to the upcoming communication seminar to take place in our ward. I was asked for some thoughts, and as it turns out there are a few of them (who knew, right?) so I'm posting them here as well. So here they are:
Our too accepting nature
I had a branch president in the MTC who was from Japan. He was in his 60’s I believe and though his English wasn’t perfect, he always tried his best. His nephew was in the other district in my branch, and one day related a wonderful story about him that we could all learn from. He told me about one evening when his uncle was over for dinner with his family. Brother Watabe made a simple grammatical error, which this missionary’s mother corrected. This young man then chastised his mother because such a small and simple error wasn’t anything to worry about, because really, everyone knew what he meant. Brother Watabe then spoke up, telling everyone there that he wanted them to correct his English so that he could be a more effective communicator. He realized that he may never have perfect English, but he would always try his best and wanted everyone around him to help.
Not all of us have perfected out social skills, so we all have something to learn from others; but a big part of that is being humble and accepting when people around us try to help. One of my good friends in this ward constantly tries to improve his social skills by soliciting help from others, and it has shown by no small measure. If we can all learn to be comfortable helping others lovingly, and accepting help when it is given, then we may all become more effective people, much less more effective communicators.
Dating friends
I think there is some concern in our ward, and certainly other places as well, about dating friends. We run into a few issues there that might need to be addressed. First off, our ward isn’t huge and we have some very friendly people, which means that by and large you may end up with a pretty large circle of friends. Taking them out of your dating pool may severely limit your options, especially as you take into account that the people you are friends with are usually the ones you best get along with. It doesn’t make any sense to me to restrict yourself in such a manner.
The second point is I suppose more of a rebuttal to a concern I have heard about dating friends. Yes, sometimes things can get awkward if you date your friends. If things end badly it may be hard to go back to the friendship you once had, and it can complicate your social circle. I think if you look at it on a longer scale though, you’ll find that those consequences can be a little, well, inconsequential. Look at it this way, how many of us are as close with some of our friends that have married and left our ward than we used to be? I’m not saying we aren’t friends with them anymore, but it’s certainly different.
If I’m considering dating a friend, but worried about ending the friendship, my figuring is then this: in all likelihood, at least one of us is going to get married at some point, and after that the friendship will never be the same regardless. So seeing as the friendship will never stay the same regardless of what else you do, there isn’t a whole lot to lose by taking that chance. There are always risks, but losing a friendship seems to me to be a temporary one, and the potential reward seems to certainly outweigh that risk. Yes it may get awkward. Yes you may lose a friend. It could cause a situation in your whole social circle. But if you can both be adults about it, a date or two shouldn’t be a big deal; if there is more than that however, then the risk would already be worth the reward in my book, as there seems to at least be something there.
Putting it more simply, at some point the two of you will stop being friends one way or another. Why not take a chance and find out if that reason is because you married them?
Over-attachment
I have several female friends in our ward that have fallen victim to a somewhat scary trend. There are some individuals (mostly men) who seem to have trouble taking no for an answer. Some of this may have something to do with the girls not being straightforward about things (as mentioned in my post about straightforward communication) but I certainly don’t believe that is the heart of the issue.
A few of these guys are simply unwilling to accept anything less than a relationship from these women – something they are not willing to, or capable of, entering into with these individuals. So instead these women try to be friends with these guys, something they are willing to offer. But it’s never enough for them, and they seemingly constantly try to press the issue much to the frustration of these wonderful ladies. Some of the women involved have been in committed relationships, or even engaged, but their explanation of such appears to fall upon deaf ears. No means no. Taken is taken. Engaged is engaged. Enough is enough.
As I told one of my friends dealing with this issue, if a guy can’t respect your decision in this matter, then he doesn’t respect you. And if he doesn’t respect you, then he doesn’t deserve your friendship. If they have decided that friendship isn’t enough and refuse to let it go, let them go. If they don’t want to be your friend, why do you keep trying to be theirs?
Etiquette
One of the problems some guys run into when it comes to dating these days circles around proper etiquette. The world we live in now is very much different than the world 10, or even 20 years ago, much less 50. The rules used to be a lot more clear, and most everyone followed them. Now however, we run into some issues with what can be expected of us guys; especially since those expectations can seem to vary widely from person to person. Certain actions will likely always be expected, or at least welcome; but some seem to becoming slowly outdated or even unwelcome at times.
Take ordering for the lady at a restaurant. Personally I’ve never done it as it just seems strange to me, plus I’ve heard some horror stories from some women I know. Another example might be opening a car door for someone. Again this feels a little strange and perhaps extreme to me, but I do it anyway, or at least I did. One time on a date I was told by the lady I was with that it was unnecessary and made her feel a little strange, so I stopped. Then when I was on another date I assumed the same principle would apply, only to feel like a failure when I didn’t open that woman’s car door. It would seem I have fallen victim to a new double standard, where some would expect a certain level of etiquette and others another.
I think perhaps I’ve learned my lesson, do everything until told otherwise; but I think there is a lesson here for our women as well: be clear and upfront about your expectations or preferences of etiquette with men. It may be a bit unromantic to get into a car and let the guy know that you would appreciate it if he would open your car door the next time, but maybe then he will. If he refuses, then maybe he isn’t the guy for you. I think you both would be happier knowing what the other expects and is willing to provide.
Commonalities (shared interests)
I think perhaps some of us might need a bit of a reality check. Life is not a movie. Most of us will never experience a “fairy tale” romance. Many of us may have unrealistic expectations about what we are looking for in a partner.
Certain qualities should of course be non-negotiable. If you are looking for a temple marriage, you should find a partner doing the same. But I think sometimes we fall into a trap when we try to find someone compatible. I’ve found that a common tendency is to find someone just like you. Someone with the same taste in music, the same feelings about sports, you both watch the same TV shows, you like the same movies, etc, etc. It is certainly nice to have many things in common with your mate, I hardly think those things are tantamount to compatibility. While these are things that are great to have in friends, and nice to have in a spouse, I don’t think they are as necessary as some people believe. We focus too much on the superficial, and not enough on the eternal. TV shows, movies, and sports may matter very little in the eternities, but it seems like sometimes we forget that.
My parents have little in common. My dad likes science fiction and action movies. My mom loves romantic comedies. My dad plays computer games in his free time, and my mom scrapbooks. My dad listens to more modern music while my mom seems stuck in the 80’s. The list goes on and on, including some pretty big schisms about some serious issues like child-rearing. But you know what? They love each other and they make it work.
Another issue here may be that we get stuck in a rut. We keep dating the same type of person again and again to no avail. Maybe we’re too busy focusing on finding someone as athletic or trendy or successful as ourselves that we overlook what we have to gain from those around us who are different. It is not from times of comfort that we learn the most, but as we struggle to learn and grow in the face of adversity. Now I’m not advocating that we try to make marriage any harder than it already is; but without trials and struggles, how can we grow?
Honestly, does a marriage to someone just like you sound like much fun long-term? You can of course spend a great deal of time together since you have all the same interests, but doesn’t that sound a little monotonous? If you take to different people they can learn and grow together, taking their different interests and experiences and learning from each other such that they may both improve themselves. Think of all the things you’ve gained from being friends with people different than you. Without those experiences you might be a very different person today.
I don’t think it’s a matter of finding someone similar to us, but instead finding someone compatible with us.
Our too accepting nature
I had a branch president in the MTC who was from Japan. He was in his 60’s I believe and though his English wasn’t perfect, he always tried his best. His nephew was in the other district in my branch, and one day related a wonderful story about him that we could all learn from. He told me about one evening when his uncle was over for dinner with his family. Brother Watabe made a simple grammatical error, which this missionary’s mother corrected. This young man then chastised his mother because such a small and simple error wasn’t anything to worry about, because really, everyone knew what he meant. Brother Watabe then spoke up, telling everyone there that he wanted them to correct his English so that he could be a more effective communicator. He realized that he may never have perfect English, but he would always try his best and wanted everyone around him to help.
Not all of us have perfected out social skills, so we all have something to learn from others; but a big part of that is being humble and accepting when people around us try to help. One of my good friends in this ward constantly tries to improve his social skills by soliciting help from others, and it has shown by no small measure. If we can all learn to be comfortable helping others lovingly, and accepting help when it is given, then we may all become more effective people, much less more effective communicators.
Dating friends
I think there is some concern in our ward, and certainly other places as well, about dating friends. We run into a few issues there that might need to be addressed. First off, our ward isn’t huge and we have some very friendly people, which means that by and large you may end up with a pretty large circle of friends. Taking them out of your dating pool may severely limit your options, especially as you take into account that the people you are friends with are usually the ones you best get along with. It doesn’t make any sense to me to restrict yourself in such a manner.
The second point is I suppose more of a rebuttal to a concern I have heard about dating friends. Yes, sometimes things can get awkward if you date your friends. If things end badly it may be hard to go back to the friendship you once had, and it can complicate your social circle. I think if you look at it on a longer scale though, you’ll find that those consequences can be a little, well, inconsequential. Look at it this way, how many of us are as close with some of our friends that have married and left our ward than we used to be? I’m not saying we aren’t friends with them anymore, but it’s certainly different.
If I’m considering dating a friend, but worried about ending the friendship, my figuring is then this: in all likelihood, at least one of us is going to get married at some point, and after that the friendship will never be the same regardless. So seeing as the friendship will never stay the same regardless of what else you do, there isn’t a whole lot to lose by taking that chance. There are always risks, but losing a friendship seems to me to be a temporary one, and the potential reward seems to certainly outweigh that risk. Yes it may get awkward. Yes you may lose a friend. It could cause a situation in your whole social circle. But if you can both be adults about it, a date or two shouldn’t be a big deal; if there is more than that however, then the risk would already be worth the reward in my book, as there seems to at least be something there.
Putting it more simply, at some point the two of you will stop being friends one way or another. Why not take a chance and find out if that reason is because you married them?
Over-attachment
I have several female friends in our ward that have fallen victim to a somewhat scary trend. There are some individuals (mostly men) who seem to have trouble taking no for an answer. Some of this may have something to do with the girls not being straightforward about things (as mentioned in my post about straightforward communication) but I certainly don’t believe that is the heart of the issue.
A few of these guys are simply unwilling to accept anything less than a relationship from these women – something they are not willing to, or capable of, entering into with these individuals. So instead these women try to be friends with these guys, something they are willing to offer. But it’s never enough for them, and they seemingly constantly try to press the issue much to the frustration of these wonderful ladies. Some of the women involved have been in committed relationships, or even engaged, but their explanation of such appears to fall upon deaf ears. No means no. Taken is taken. Engaged is engaged. Enough is enough.
As I told one of my friends dealing with this issue, if a guy can’t respect your decision in this matter, then he doesn’t respect you. And if he doesn’t respect you, then he doesn’t deserve your friendship. If they have decided that friendship isn’t enough and refuse to let it go, let them go. If they don’t want to be your friend, why do you keep trying to be theirs?
Etiquette
One of the problems some guys run into when it comes to dating these days circles around proper etiquette. The world we live in now is very much different than the world 10, or even 20 years ago, much less 50. The rules used to be a lot more clear, and most everyone followed them. Now however, we run into some issues with what can be expected of us guys; especially since those expectations can seem to vary widely from person to person. Certain actions will likely always be expected, or at least welcome; but some seem to becoming slowly outdated or even unwelcome at times.
Take ordering for the lady at a restaurant. Personally I’ve never done it as it just seems strange to me, plus I’ve heard some horror stories from some women I know. Another example might be opening a car door for someone. Again this feels a little strange and perhaps extreme to me, but I do it anyway, or at least I did. One time on a date I was told by the lady I was with that it was unnecessary and made her feel a little strange, so I stopped. Then when I was on another date I assumed the same principle would apply, only to feel like a failure when I didn’t open that woman’s car door. It would seem I have fallen victim to a new double standard, where some would expect a certain level of etiquette and others another.
I think perhaps I’ve learned my lesson, do everything until told otherwise; but I think there is a lesson here for our women as well: be clear and upfront about your expectations or preferences of etiquette with men. It may be a bit unromantic to get into a car and let the guy know that you would appreciate it if he would open your car door the next time, but maybe then he will. If he refuses, then maybe he isn’t the guy for you. I think you both would be happier knowing what the other expects and is willing to provide.
Commonalities (shared interests)
I think perhaps some of us might need a bit of a reality check. Life is not a movie. Most of us will never experience a “fairy tale” romance. Many of us may have unrealistic expectations about what we are looking for in a partner.
Certain qualities should of course be non-negotiable. If you are looking for a temple marriage, you should find a partner doing the same. But I think sometimes we fall into a trap when we try to find someone compatible. I’ve found that a common tendency is to find someone just like you. Someone with the same taste in music, the same feelings about sports, you both watch the same TV shows, you like the same movies, etc, etc. It is certainly nice to have many things in common with your mate, I hardly think those things are tantamount to compatibility. While these are things that are great to have in friends, and nice to have in a spouse, I don’t think they are as necessary as some people believe. We focus too much on the superficial, and not enough on the eternal. TV shows, movies, and sports may matter very little in the eternities, but it seems like sometimes we forget that.
My parents have little in common. My dad likes science fiction and action movies. My mom loves romantic comedies. My dad plays computer games in his free time, and my mom scrapbooks. My dad listens to more modern music while my mom seems stuck in the 80’s. The list goes on and on, including some pretty big schisms about some serious issues like child-rearing. But you know what? They love each other and they make it work.
Another issue here may be that we get stuck in a rut. We keep dating the same type of person again and again to no avail. Maybe we’re too busy focusing on finding someone as athletic or trendy or successful as ourselves that we overlook what we have to gain from those around us who are different. It is not from times of comfort that we learn the most, but as we struggle to learn and grow in the face of adversity. Now I’m not advocating that we try to make marriage any harder than it already is; but without trials and struggles, how can we grow?
Honestly, does a marriage to someone just like you sound like much fun long-term? You can of course spend a great deal of time together since you have all the same interests, but doesn’t that sound a little monotonous? If you take to different people they can learn and grow together, taking their different interests and experiences and learning from each other such that they may both improve themselves. Think of all the things you’ve gained from being friends with people different than you. Without those experiences you might be a very different person today.
I don’t think it’s a matter of finding someone similar to us, but instead finding someone compatible with us.
Saturday, February 13, 2010
Adaptation
New Pain
Misdirected, I'm awakened.
Manifests in, into my head.
I feel new pain, becoming part of me
Becoming part of my every, every moment.
You told me you wanted and hated me.
You kill me now. This becomes part.
I'm so sure. I'm so confused.
I'm all things to you. Nothing to you.
I feel new pain in these shadows
Of my every, every moment now.
You told me you wanted and hated me.
You kill me now. This becomes part of me.
You told me that you wanted me
You told me you hate me
A tear for our suffering as you told me that I'm the one.
You wanted to kill me, and now it makes this all ugly.
Becomes part of me, turning into this new pain.
You told me you wanted and hated me
You kill me, now this becomes part of me
And now I suffer. My heart to my mind, it burns
It rips. It hurts. It kills.
The Only
You’re winning, I’m losing
I'm falling, in agony
Lower than Lower before
Your forgotten memory
My heaven, my hell
I'm killing the fantasy
More and more, you follow
My divorced reality
It’s trying to take me
It’s trying to make me
This is the only
Give me the only thing
I'm tired of trying
I'm tired of lying
The only thing I understand is what I feel.
Hypocrite, Lunatic
Fanatic, heretic
More and more you follow
My divorced reality
It’s trying to take me
It’s trying to make me
This is the only
Give me the only thing
I'm tired of trying
I'm tired of lying
The only thing I understand is what I feel.
Monster
Breathing, seething, fighting, biting, hating, waiting for you.
Don't I? Won't I? Don't lie.
Give it, get it, live it, let it
Dedicated, nothing sacred for me
Don't I? Won't I? I die.
Wreak havoc, I'm crippled.
My polluted soul, is so corrupted.
In your eyes, I see all the lies
The alibis, that I despise.
See the lies, my spirit dies
It’s my disguise, Monster size.
Breathing, seething, fighting, biting, hating, waiting for you.
I don't know why I try
Give it, get it, live it, let it
Dedicated, nothing sacred anymore
I can't see me, I'm blind
Wreak havoc, I'm crippled.
My polluted soul, is so corrupted.
In your eyes, see all the lies
The alibis, That I despise
Wreak havoc, I'm crippled
Erasing, Refacing
So worthless, no mercy
My polluted soul, is so corrupted.
I sold my soul
I sold myself
I sold my soul
I make my hell
Crossing the line, I waste away
Steal and cheat, all day
What is mine? I’m lost
What is this face staring
Staring back at me
Cross this line, I am sick
I am sick, I know it
Screaming, scratching
Pounding
Giving, getting
Through me
Crawling, balling
Falling
Giving into
Sinning
Take all day, suck all day
Worm away, turn away
I am sick, I know it
So
So I've betrayed self
So I've betrayed you
So what now?
So what do we do?
Pushing you away
Pushing you away
Away from me.
So I'm, I'm confused
So you're not amused
So I'm feeling used
So what do we do?
I’m Pushing you away
Pushing you away
Away from me
Empty inside
I'm dying, I'm crying
She makes me bad
Betrays my head
Empty inside
I'm dying, I'm crying
She makes me bad
I gotta run
Make me take it
Take out the big one
I can't forget, I can’t
See it infect me
Enter the world anew
This is my own world
Naked, I’m resurfacing
I come to realize
That I'm not home now
But you can see inside me
If I can't forget just
Leave me alone now
It's time to go out, shut down
I'm sick of this mutation
All of this manipulation
It becomes my salvation
Taking, taking from those around me
I'm dead inside, my head my mind
Right way wrong way, this cage is my rage
My cord ripped out, cry out for help
Call this my own
All In Wait
Drowning myself, over and over
Desolate, trying it's over
Why so cynical in life?
You think you're living to die
All in wait, all in wait
Burning inside, long for answers
Makes no sense, trying, it's over.
Why so cynical in life
You think you're living to die
All in wait
Step down and smile at this fool
That believes his own word
All in wait
Now I'm drowning myself over and over
Makes no sense, we're trying, but you say it's over
Burning inside as we long for the answers
Desolate
We're trying, but you say it's over.
Control It
Everybody, soul and body cold
All this sickness, you lost control
You can't get it
You just don't get it, no
You can't get it
I’m zero
Look within me, am I evil though?
Memories bring tears of years old
You can't get it
You just don't get it, no
You can't get it
I’m zero
Life - you take it
Lies - you fake it
Suffer - within me
Torn - you break it
Life - control it
Lies - withhold it
Suffer - you're sinning
Torn - you're wasted
Those with defects
We're all rejects, so?
Don't forget it, cold inside
You can't get it
You just don't get it, no
You can't get it
You got zero
Break this, take control
Take this, I control it.
Idols
This pain is fleeting, as it rings out
My head is bleeding, slow down
Can't keep doing this
What you want me to
The marching shepherd said
See my broken head
Live your own life
I got myself
Out of your sight
It's ugly, you see
I don't care what you think now
Forgive me, forget
Don't take the easy way out
Can't keep doing this
What you want me to
The marching shepherd said
See my broken head
Invincible
This moment in time
This moment defined
How is it I feel nothing?
Just don't say goodbye
You say to me
I'm trying to do the right thing
This moment in time
This moment defined
How is it I feel nothing?
It's alright
All my life I was an outcome
Now I find I’ve done nothing wrong
Leave me to learn
Leave me to hurt
Now I'm not so invincible
So you ask
Just don't say goodbye
Just won't you please
I'm trying to do the right thing
It's alright
All my life I was in the cold
Now I find I feel nothing more
Leave me to learn
Leave me to hurt
Now you’re not so invincible
It's just come to this you know
Misdirected, I'm awakened.
Manifests in, into my head.
I feel new pain, becoming part of me
Becoming part of my every, every moment.
You told me you wanted and hated me.
You kill me now. This becomes part.
I'm so sure. I'm so confused.
I'm all things to you. Nothing to you.
I feel new pain in these shadows
Of my every, every moment now.
You told me you wanted and hated me.
You kill me now. This becomes part of me.
You told me that you wanted me
You told me you hate me
A tear for our suffering as you told me that I'm the one.
You wanted to kill me, and now it makes this all ugly.
Becomes part of me, turning into this new pain.
You told me you wanted and hated me
You kill me, now this becomes part of me
And now I suffer. My heart to my mind, it burns
It rips. It hurts. It kills.
The Only
You’re winning, I’m losing
I'm falling, in agony
Lower than Lower before
Your forgotten memory
My heaven, my hell
I'm killing the fantasy
More and more, you follow
My divorced reality
It’s trying to take me
It’s trying to make me
This is the only
Give me the only thing
I'm tired of trying
I'm tired of lying
The only thing I understand is what I feel.
Hypocrite, Lunatic
Fanatic, heretic
More and more you follow
My divorced reality
It’s trying to take me
It’s trying to make me
This is the only
Give me the only thing
I'm tired of trying
I'm tired of lying
The only thing I understand is what I feel.
Monster
Breathing, seething, fighting, biting, hating, waiting for you.
Don't I? Won't I? Don't lie.
Give it, get it, live it, let it
Dedicated, nothing sacred for me
Don't I? Won't I? I die.
Wreak havoc, I'm crippled.
My polluted soul, is so corrupted.
In your eyes, I see all the lies
The alibis, that I despise.
See the lies, my spirit dies
It’s my disguise, Monster size.
Breathing, seething, fighting, biting, hating, waiting for you.
I don't know why I try
Give it, get it, live it, let it
Dedicated, nothing sacred anymore
I can't see me, I'm blind
Wreak havoc, I'm crippled.
My polluted soul, is so corrupted.
In your eyes, see all the lies
The alibis, That I despise
Wreak havoc, I'm crippled
Erasing, Refacing
So worthless, no mercy
My polluted soul, is so corrupted.
I sold my soul
I sold myself
I sold my soul
I make my hell
Crossing the line, I waste away
Steal and cheat, all day
What is mine? I’m lost
What is this face staring
Staring back at me
Cross this line, I am sick
I am sick, I know it
Screaming, scratching
Pounding
Giving, getting
Through me
Crawling, balling
Falling
Giving into
Sinning
Take all day, suck all day
Worm away, turn away
I am sick, I know it
So
So I've betrayed self
So I've betrayed you
So what now?
So what do we do?
Pushing you away
Pushing you away
Away from me.
So I'm, I'm confused
So you're not amused
So I'm feeling used
So what do we do?
I’m Pushing you away
Pushing you away
Away from me
Empty inside
I'm dying, I'm crying
She makes me bad
Betrays my head
Empty inside
I'm dying, I'm crying
She makes me bad
I gotta run
Make me take it
Take out the big one
I can't forget, I can’t
See it infect me
Enter the world anew
This is my own world
Naked, I’m resurfacing
I come to realize
That I'm not home now
But you can see inside me
If I can't forget just
Leave me alone now
It's time to go out, shut down
I'm sick of this mutation
All of this manipulation
It becomes my salvation
Taking, taking from those around me
I'm dead inside, my head my mind
Right way wrong way, this cage is my rage
My cord ripped out, cry out for help
Call this my own
All In Wait
Drowning myself, over and over
Desolate, trying it's over
Why so cynical in life?
You think you're living to die
All in wait, all in wait
Burning inside, long for answers
Makes no sense, trying, it's over.
Why so cynical in life
You think you're living to die
All in wait
Step down and smile at this fool
That believes his own word
All in wait
Now I'm drowning myself over and over
Makes no sense, we're trying, but you say it's over
Burning inside as we long for the answers
Desolate
We're trying, but you say it's over.
Control It
Everybody, soul and body cold
All this sickness, you lost control
You can't get it
You just don't get it, no
You can't get it
I’m zero
Look within me, am I evil though?
Memories bring tears of years old
You can't get it
You just don't get it, no
You can't get it
I’m zero
Life - you take it
Lies - you fake it
Suffer - within me
Torn - you break it
Life - control it
Lies - withhold it
Suffer - you're sinning
Torn - you're wasted
Those with defects
We're all rejects, so?
Don't forget it, cold inside
You can't get it
You just don't get it, no
You can't get it
You got zero
Break this, take control
Take this, I control it.
Idols
This pain is fleeting, as it rings out
My head is bleeding, slow down
Can't keep doing this
What you want me to
The marching shepherd said
See my broken head
Live your own life
I got myself
Out of your sight
It's ugly, you see
I don't care what you think now
Forgive me, forget
Don't take the easy way out
Can't keep doing this
What you want me to
The marching shepherd said
See my broken head
Invincible
This moment in time
This moment defined
How is it I feel nothing?
Just don't say goodbye
You say to me
I'm trying to do the right thing
This moment in time
This moment defined
How is it I feel nothing?
It's alright
All my life I was an outcome
Now I find I’ve done nothing wrong
Leave me to learn
Leave me to hurt
Now I'm not so invincible
So you ask
Just don't say goodbye
Just won't you please
I'm trying to do the right thing
It's alright
All my life I was in the cold
Now I find I feel nothing more
Leave me to learn
Leave me to hurt
Now you’re not so invincible
It's just come to this you know
Emotion
Some people it seems have interesting ideas about me and who I am. More specifically they have interesting ideas about how I feel. Even more specifically, they seem to have come to some conclusions about the “how” in “how I feel.” It isn’t even always the same conclusion, nor do they tend to be consistent. Somehow a lot of them end up being a bit extreme (meaning that I have either a lot of emotion or none at all).
One girl I knew a long time ago described me as cold and unfeeling, whilst at the same time accusing me of having a secret huge crush on her. Don’t those two things seem a little mutually exclusive? Either I should be unfeeling and not capable of experiencing said crush, or I have emotions.
The truth, as it usually does, lies somewhere in the middle. I have emotions, they just tend to be a little bit more internal than most. The usual approach I take to life definitely tends towards the pragmatic, which leaves some people the impression that I am cold. I hardly see it that way, but instead consider myself to have a kind of… unique perspective. Through many years of struggling within myself, I’ve learned to compartmentalize things very well; so much so that I am usually capable of removing emotion from many of my decisions. I think this is one of the reasons that people come to me for advice, because I can take myself and my feelings out the situation and make a more objective consideration of the options. None of this equates to me lacking emotions by any means, it simply says to me that I have a different relationship with mine than you do yours.
I can also set feelings aside pretty easily if need be. If it so happens that I develop feelings for someone that doesn’t return them to the same degree, or of the same type, then I can usually process that pretty quickly and then move on. I’ve always been able to be friends easily with girls I’ve dated, not that I’ve dated many girls at all; but still, none of the awkwardness, should there be any, has come from my side to the best of my knowledge. There is one girl right now that I took on a date, and she didn’t seem to want to go out with me again. Unfortunately now things are awkward between us, likely because she thinks I have un-reciprocated feelings for her, even though I have already put those feelings away and would have no problem just being friends. Sometimes I just want to go up to her and explain that I get it, she doesn’t want to date me, and that’s ok; can we just go back to being friends already? I'm pretty sure that would just make things worse however, as everytime something similar has happened to me that's been the case.
It also means that I don’t really get stressed out, which can be very nice. Also helpful with that is my firm belief that if you are doing all you can, then things will work out as they should. It’s all good all the time. If you can fix something, what is the use in worrying? If nothing can be done, same question, what good will worrying do you? If your concern for something brings you to action that is one thing, but I see little point in letting stress, or any other negative situation rule your life. You can choose to feel how you choose to feel.
One evening I was at a small dinner gathering (it was me and 4 girls) and I was asked if I ever cried (the question was related to a recent and fairly severe injury). My response was that I have been known to cry for emotional reasons, but not from pain. There is one episode of an older TV show that will just about always get at least a tear or two from my eyes, but those moments do tend to be slightly few and far between.
More recently, but I suppose this has always been the case to some degree or another, some of the wonderful ladies in my life have developed the impression that I may have a very large crush on them. I think I’m up to about 5 or 6 in the last year. Some of those ladies I did or do care for to a greater degree than most, and I certainly wouldn’t mind taking a few of them out on dates; but I would hardly classify my feeling as a “huge crush.” A friend and I were recently talking about many of these things, and we came to the conclusion that we both have walls that are very hard to take down and are quickly rebuilt. We tend to temper feelings or excitement or anticipation for things that have yet to happen such that we aren’t disappointed later. I think it might go even further with me, in that since it is so very hard to forge any sort of real emotional bond with someone, I can’t really see myself developing a crush like unto the ones people have thought I had on them, at least without some sort of precipitating event or some sort of relationship beginning to form.
I strongly believe myself to be capable of all those feelings, but I think those things exist on a longer timeline for me than most. Just as it may take me longer to become physically close to someone, it can take me a fair amount of time to forge that strong of feelings for anyone.
Maybe a bit of clarification is in order there. None of the above is to say that I don’t care for the people around me; I very much do. However, I think the level of caring usually has a long plateau that is hard to overcome for most. Perhaps one of the reasons some people tend to think I have crushes on them is the way I treat my friends.
I learned from a very young age how to treat family from my dad. Family is the most important thing there is, followed closely by friends. I will do just about anything for someone I call a friend. Well, I’d probably do just about anything for most people I know, even if I don’t particularly care for them. That doesn’t necessarily mean I’ll hang around them much, but if they have a genuine need, I will try and do what I can for them. What that sometimes means however, is that all the favors I end up doing for some people get misconstrued as interest; though I would do whatever thing I just did for just about anyone, interest or no. Some of those people have realized this, and perhaps some have not. I just like doing nice things for friends, regardless of whether or not I would like to date them. Part of my ability to compartmentalize means that I can separate “friends” activities and “non-friends” activities very easily, it just so happens that my definition of those things may be very different than yours.
Oh feelings. Why do you always have to be so complicated?
One girl I knew a long time ago described me as cold and unfeeling, whilst at the same time accusing me of having a secret huge crush on her. Don’t those two things seem a little mutually exclusive? Either I should be unfeeling and not capable of experiencing said crush, or I have emotions.
The truth, as it usually does, lies somewhere in the middle. I have emotions, they just tend to be a little bit more internal than most. The usual approach I take to life definitely tends towards the pragmatic, which leaves some people the impression that I am cold. I hardly see it that way, but instead consider myself to have a kind of… unique perspective. Through many years of struggling within myself, I’ve learned to compartmentalize things very well; so much so that I am usually capable of removing emotion from many of my decisions. I think this is one of the reasons that people come to me for advice, because I can take myself and my feelings out the situation and make a more objective consideration of the options. None of this equates to me lacking emotions by any means, it simply says to me that I have a different relationship with mine than you do yours.
I can also set feelings aside pretty easily if need be. If it so happens that I develop feelings for someone that doesn’t return them to the same degree, or of the same type, then I can usually process that pretty quickly and then move on. I’ve always been able to be friends easily with girls I’ve dated, not that I’ve dated many girls at all; but still, none of the awkwardness, should there be any, has come from my side to the best of my knowledge. There is one girl right now that I took on a date, and she didn’t seem to want to go out with me again. Unfortunately now things are awkward between us, likely because she thinks I have un-reciprocated feelings for her, even though I have already put those feelings away and would have no problem just being friends. Sometimes I just want to go up to her and explain that I get it, she doesn’t want to date me, and that’s ok; can we just go back to being friends already? I'm pretty sure that would just make things worse however, as everytime something similar has happened to me that's been the case.
It also means that I don’t really get stressed out, which can be very nice. Also helpful with that is my firm belief that if you are doing all you can, then things will work out as they should. It’s all good all the time. If you can fix something, what is the use in worrying? If nothing can be done, same question, what good will worrying do you? If your concern for something brings you to action that is one thing, but I see little point in letting stress, or any other negative situation rule your life. You can choose to feel how you choose to feel.
One evening I was at a small dinner gathering (it was me and 4 girls) and I was asked if I ever cried (the question was related to a recent and fairly severe injury). My response was that I have been known to cry for emotional reasons, but not from pain. There is one episode of an older TV show that will just about always get at least a tear or two from my eyes, but those moments do tend to be slightly few and far between.
More recently, but I suppose this has always been the case to some degree or another, some of the wonderful ladies in my life have developed the impression that I may have a very large crush on them. I think I’m up to about 5 or 6 in the last year. Some of those ladies I did or do care for to a greater degree than most, and I certainly wouldn’t mind taking a few of them out on dates; but I would hardly classify my feeling as a “huge crush.” A friend and I were recently talking about many of these things, and we came to the conclusion that we both have walls that are very hard to take down and are quickly rebuilt. We tend to temper feelings or excitement or anticipation for things that have yet to happen such that we aren’t disappointed later. I think it might go even further with me, in that since it is so very hard to forge any sort of real emotional bond with someone, I can’t really see myself developing a crush like unto the ones people have thought I had on them, at least without some sort of precipitating event or some sort of relationship beginning to form.
I strongly believe myself to be capable of all those feelings, but I think those things exist on a longer timeline for me than most. Just as it may take me longer to become physically close to someone, it can take me a fair amount of time to forge that strong of feelings for anyone.
Maybe a bit of clarification is in order there. None of the above is to say that I don’t care for the people around me; I very much do. However, I think the level of caring usually has a long plateau that is hard to overcome for most. Perhaps one of the reasons some people tend to think I have crushes on them is the way I treat my friends.
I learned from a very young age how to treat family from my dad. Family is the most important thing there is, followed closely by friends. I will do just about anything for someone I call a friend. Well, I’d probably do just about anything for most people I know, even if I don’t particularly care for them. That doesn’t necessarily mean I’ll hang around them much, but if they have a genuine need, I will try and do what I can for them. What that sometimes means however, is that all the favors I end up doing for some people get misconstrued as interest; though I would do whatever thing I just did for just about anyone, interest or no. Some of those people have realized this, and perhaps some have not. I just like doing nice things for friends, regardless of whether or not I would like to date them. Part of my ability to compartmentalize means that I can separate “friends” activities and “non-friends” activities very easily, it just so happens that my definition of those things may be very different than yours.
Oh feelings. Why do you always have to be so complicated?
Thursday, January 7, 2010
Burnination
Those of you who know me at all (or at least have read anything below) know that I love to cook. Those of you who know me a little better might know that I don’t care for baking at all. To me baking is science and cooking is art (granted there are plenty of artsy-type things that can be done with baked goods, but I’m talking the making of part – not the aesthetics).
When you bake generally you are following a recipe (or using a box) that is pretty exacting. You need so much salt, flour, eggs, baking soda or powder etc. or whatever it is you’re making just won’t come out right. Maybe it doesn’t rise, or it falls, or burns, or something, but if you waivered from the instructions too much, you might find yourself in a world of hurt. It’s just like a chemistry lab, albeit one you can eat, but still. It just doesn’t seem like any fun to me, just following the rules like a good little soldier and coming out with the exact same thing every time.
Cooking is way more exciting! It’s all about taking what you have around you and trying to make something delicious out of it. Sure, sometimes you’ll fail and massacre your meal, but what better way is there to learn than through failure?! Sometimes it is better to walk the path you know, but others it’s better to go off-roading and find an amazing new place to play. Cooking pork chops in applesauce, turkey breast in grape jam, banana sausage, blackened veal, and the famous buffalo chicken pizza would not have been possible without a little mis-adventuring in between culinary epiphanies. Plus I just think it’s fun to throw things together and see what tastes good.
Don’t get me wrong, it definitely takes some skill and a lot of practice; but I think it’s well worth it. Either way, you’re welcome to come over for dinner!
When you bake generally you are following a recipe (or using a box) that is pretty exacting. You need so much salt, flour, eggs, baking soda or powder etc. or whatever it is you’re making just won’t come out right. Maybe it doesn’t rise, or it falls, or burns, or something, but if you waivered from the instructions too much, you might find yourself in a world of hurt. It’s just like a chemistry lab, albeit one you can eat, but still. It just doesn’t seem like any fun to me, just following the rules like a good little soldier and coming out with the exact same thing every time.
Cooking is way more exciting! It’s all about taking what you have around you and trying to make something delicious out of it. Sure, sometimes you’ll fail and massacre your meal, but what better way is there to learn than through failure?! Sometimes it is better to walk the path you know, but others it’s better to go off-roading and find an amazing new place to play. Cooking pork chops in applesauce, turkey breast in grape jam, banana sausage, blackened veal, and the famous buffalo chicken pizza would not have been possible without a little mis-adventuring in between culinary epiphanies. Plus I just think it’s fun to throw things together and see what tastes good.
Don’t get me wrong, it definitely takes some skill and a lot of practice; but I think it’s well worth it. Either way, you’re welcome to come over for dinner!
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